Fitting In

It has become my second home, but through the years I feel as if I have grown away from it and my family. I hate to admit it, but we have all grown and evolved into different people and I don’t know if I feel that I fit in as well as I used to it. But when I really to get to think about it, maybe I have always had a hard time fitting in, which is one reason I have such a hard time with it in other aspects of life. Sometimes I feel as if I fit in better with my aunts and uncles than with my cousins. Time and different paths have separated my connections. And the one that I am really having a hard time with right now is not having my brother, he is here, but we are not both here, if that makes any sense. He is seven years older than me, and has/will always be in a different place. And for many years I have had a hard time, it is no longer me and my brother, it won’t ever just be the two of us, and at times I feel as if I am pushed to the sides. Now don’t get me wrong I love my sister-in-law, she is amazing, but there are many times where I feel as if I am a burden, to him as well as the rest of my family. And I know this will bring my mom to tears and she will come and hug me when she reads this, but its how I feel, and I feel that only through my writing can I truly express myself. I am not proud of this fact, and with that in mind it is very hard when I feel this way, and it is very hard for me to get out of it. So how do I get out of it, I really don’t know, I think it just takes time. But now instead of just feeling that way with my brother, I am starting to feel that way with most of my family, as if it wouldn’t matter it I was there or not, I know it’s a horrible thought for me to think, but I feel that way, and when I start thinking that way my stomach starts hurting. I don’t know if it is because I am so uncertain with my life right now, and so my self-confidence and my thoughts are filled with fear of what will happen to me, what do others think of me, do I fail in anyone’s eyes, cause I feel that I am, which just makes my situation even worse. And it seems that every year it gets worse and worse, so what is it that I can do to stop these thoughts…

Weddings....

Ahh...how I love family weddings, lets just say my family knows how to have a good time and take up space on the dance floor. And I love every minute of it. This has now been the 4th family wedding, and every time one comes around the question gets asked, "When are you getting married?" I smile at them and just say not anytime soon...and I know that is the truth. I sit through each wedding and listen to what has been said by many about love, marriage, and the committment it is, and I know I don't have that yet. I look forward to that day when I am looking into the eyes of the one I love and proudly stating my committment to his and my family and friends. But I know, I must be patient, and whoever the guy is, I know he is out there....for all I know I could have met him, or he is just around the corner...the truth is I don't know, and I need to be patient with that idea, and enjoy being young. But my one of many questions is, how do I enjoy this without regretting my decsions later, but then when I think about it, I guess I will learn and grow from my mistakes, and that my man is out there, and he will love me, just as much as I see the love in my family from the newly weds, to those who have shared more than half their life with their special someone and how you know deep in your heart that they are in love. That is what I want, but to get it I must be patient, and I must be willing to put myself out there. That is something else tonight that I noticed, that if I am around good looking guys or even have to walk near them...I close up and look down, where as I know that you as my friends, might think that is not me at all, but I am sorry to say I am not as outgoing around those I don't know, and that falls under that category of men...just ask those of my past and present. I am shy, and don't know what to say, but why I don't know I just need to be myself and that is who my man will fall in love with. Otherwise it will be based on a lie, and won't be meant to be, so I just need to stick up for myself and stand tall.

Sitting At The Airport

So if you don't already know I am heading East for a family wedding and also to just visit...but I am sitting here in the airport, waiting for them to call my flight, but that won't be for another couple of hours..lol. I am excited to go and see my family and just enjoy each others company. One of the good things, is that for a good portion of the trip I will be out of service, no internet (becasuse the connection is dial up) and no cell service cause where I am going its not needed :), just me and my family...I can't wait. Hopefully it will give me some time to think about things, and figure out what I want to do about some situations that I am in. Its a great place to just get away from my worries and spend time with those who mean the most to me...my family. There is something about no technology that really can bring you closer to those you care about. But you know when I do have service, and not busy on my trip, I will tell you about it. But anyway, as I am sitting here waiting for the hours to go by, I start to think about things, sometimes I do think a little too much, but its a part of me, and one of the reasons I have this here blog is to get my thoughts out so they aren't just swirling around in my head. Currently I am reading He's Just Not That Into You and you know what, it makes me sad to think about how I view things, but it is nice to know that I am far from being the only one. So, the question is do I consider this to my situation right now...part of me says yes and part of me says no. Because there is no committment...how I wish there was, but oh well that is wishful thinking and nothing is going to change anytime soon. So in the mean time, my plan is to have fun, and make choices that keep me smiling. I miss you all so much, and thanks for the support you have given me in everything.

The Thoughts Late At Night....

So I have had over 24 hours to think about things...and I am doing better. Its still hard to think about but through talking to my friends and family about things it has helped me gain a perspective. As my myspace mood says I do feel betrayed, but through talking I am looking through things with a more open mind, and know that there is no committment. I have looked at things differently, and probably not in the most practical way. That is why it is good to talk out your differences when hearing the other person's voice. Granted in person is the best, but when that isn't possible phone is the next best choice. I am not sure on where I want to go from here in this situation but as a couple of people have told me that I just need time, if it is meant to be it will happen, and also everything happens for a reason. And I just need to keep all of these aspects in mind as well as what my banner on my phone says "one step at a time" as well as that I am young and I need to enjoy it. There are other things that I need to consider as well, but I really don't want to list them all, those are just the big ones. There are decisions for me to make, and it is hard because I am one who doesn't do well with uncertainity, and there is alot of it going on for me right now. What I need to do is give myself structure and follow it. I have known that for a long time, knowing that is how I do best, but I was reminded today when I met with my teacher who I will be working with in the fall. Which I truly am looking forward to. But this will take time and I will need to adjust, but I know that I will get through it because of my friends who showed they cared for me in all the different ways, thank you for being there. I love you all for that and each of your friendships mean so much to me, and I want you all to know I am there for you day or night.

Someday My Prince Will Come...

So what do you think of the title of my post? I have knots in my stomach and I have been crying off and on since I have heard the news. But the thing that bothers me more is why do I fall for guys that aren't just interested in me. There is always someone else in their life that they are interested in, why? Almost every guy I have "fallen" for has had a list of all the girls they are interested...and sometimes they even have the nerve to say my name in the middle of even last. Why, why do I let this happen? I feel like a failure and that it is my fault. And I don't know how to fix it, I keep thinking this might be the guy and that he is different, but so far in the end they are all the same. Now don't get me wrong I am not saying this about all guys, just the ones that I seem to fall for. I wonder do they even like me or care about me or are they just using me for whatever they can get? I know he is out there, and I also admit that I am not patient about things. And the truth is I am scared...when things like this happen I wonder if I am just supposed to be on my own...I hate to admit it, and I have tears coming down my face as I admit it to you all. So I guess I hold on to that hope of a Disney Princess that "Someday my prince will come" Now he doesn't have to be a prince by any means, just someone who wants just me and I just him, and he is there through the good and the bad.

Thoughts Late at Night

I am laying here in my bed, and thinking, what am I suppose to do? As I said before I feel that I have failed in not finding my true love in college, but then I think about it and I technically have been cheated out of of my fourth year of the college experience. Is it right for those of us who are student-teaching to leave our home and friends that we have created a year early? I don't think so, but I also don't have any choice in the matter. So I need to make the best out of it, and I slowly am. The only think is part of me doesn't want to grow up, and I tell my mom from time to time that I want to fly to NeverNever Land. The truth is I am scared, and those who I am closest to are spread out across the state and the country and those are the girls and guy I lean on and miss terribly. They are amazing they have been there during my good and my bad times, and I am already scheming on how I can be able to see them again sooner than later. Currently I have no job, and every time I look through the classifieds I get depressed with what is available, so instead of dwelling on that my mom and I are reorganizing/remodeling a couple of rooms upstairs so I can have my own space and still have room for our guests. It is hard and strange to be going through my memories that I have created these last 21 years. I have to take apart the room that I have had since I was four, create a new room, and pack things away for my next place of living and teaching material. I truly had no idea that I owned so much stuff, and I don't want to get rid of a lot of it. So many changes, and I am a girl who hates change and there have been days that this has been really hard for me. But the one who has been amazing through this whole thing is my mom in being so supportive and wanting me to be happy, while I am here for the year. Where will I be in a year...that is the question that really scares me, so much goes into that question, and I really just need to place it on the back burner for now. Right now...I need to ":) just smile :)" as my banner on my phone says, and hopefully within this year I will know and learn more about myself and what I need to do.

Secrets

So, alot has happened since the last time I wrote on here. First of all one of the guys is completely out of the picture, and I know it is for the best. It was a hard Friday night but I think what happened needed to happen. Ir really sucked and I really did get hurt but I think for the common sense to hit me, I had to hit really hard. In the mean time, after I hit hard, all of my close friends found out within a period of an hour. Although at the time none of them knew the true story of what was happening...the secret was gone. I was shocked with how quickly the news traveled by way of technology. From call to text, people had found out what was going on. I was scared, what would my friends say or think, I had kept something this big from them. Although my friends say they aren't mad at me, I know that they are hurt that I didn't confide in any of them, and for that I am sorry. I have no true explanation as to why I did that and I am not wanting to come up with any excuses for it.

This should have been posted a long time ago, but school got in the way, and I want those to know that I still regret my decision of keeping it all a secret, but that there is nothing I can do about it now and I love you who have supported me through it all.