Fitting In

It has become my second home, but through the years I feel as if I have grown away from it and my family. I hate to admit it, but we have all grown and evolved into different people and I don’t know if I feel that I fit in as well as I used to it. But when I really to get to think about it, maybe I have always had a hard time fitting in, which is one reason I have such a hard time with it in other aspects of life. Sometimes I feel as if I fit in better with my aunts and uncles than with my cousins. Time and different paths have separated my connections. And the one that I am really having a hard time with right now is not having my brother, he is here, but we are not both here, if that makes any sense. He is seven years older than me, and has/will always be in a different place. And for many years I have had a hard time, it is no longer me and my brother, it won’t ever just be the two of us, and at times I feel as if I am pushed to the sides. Now don’t get me wrong I love my sister-in-law, she is amazing, but there are many times where I feel as if I am a burden, to him as well as the rest of my family. And I know this will bring my mom to tears and she will come and hug me when she reads this, but its how I feel, and I feel that only through my writing can I truly express myself. I am not proud of this fact, and with that in mind it is very hard when I feel this way, and it is very hard for me to get out of it. So how do I get out of it, I really don’t know, I think it just takes time. But now instead of just feeling that way with my brother, I am starting to feel that way with most of my family, as if it wouldn’t matter it I was there or not, I know it’s a horrible thought for me to think, but I feel that way, and when I start thinking that way my stomach starts hurting. I don’t know if it is because I am so uncertain with my life right now, and so my self-confidence and my thoughts are filled with fear of what will happen to me, what do others think of me, do I fail in anyone’s eyes, cause I feel that I am, which just makes my situation even worse. And it seems that every year it gets worse and worse, so what is it that I can do to stop these thoughts…