Thoughts Late at Night

I am laying here in my bed, and thinking, what am I suppose to do? As I said before I feel that I have failed in not finding my true love in college, but then I think about it and I technically have been cheated out of of my fourth year of the college experience. Is it right for those of us who are student-teaching to leave our home and friends that we have created a year early? I don't think so, but I also don't have any choice in the matter. So I need to make the best out of it, and I slowly am. The only think is part of me doesn't want to grow up, and I tell my mom from time to time that I want to fly to NeverNever Land. The truth is I am scared, and those who I am closest to are spread out across the state and the country and those are the girls and guy I lean on and miss terribly. They are amazing they have been there during my good and my bad times, and I am already scheming on how I can be able to see them again sooner than later. Currently I have no job, and every time I look through the classifieds I get depressed with what is available, so instead of dwelling on that my mom and I are reorganizing/remodeling a couple of rooms upstairs so I can have my own space and still have room for our guests. It is hard and strange to be going through my memories that I have created these last 21 years. I have to take apart the room that I have had since I was four, create a new room, and pack things away for my next place of living and teaching material. I truly had no idea that I owned so much stuff, and I don't want to get rid of a lot of it. So many changes, and I am a girl who hates change and there have been days that this has been really hard for me. But the one who has been amazing through this whole thing is my mom in being so supportive and wanting me to be happy, while I am here for the year. Where will I be in a year...that is the question that really scares me, so much goes into that question, and I really just need to place it on the back burner for now. Right now...I need to ":) just smile :)" as my banner on my phone says, and hopefully within this year I will know and learn more about myself and what I need to do.

Secrets

So, alot has happened since the last time I wrote on here. First of all one of the guys is completely out of the picture, and I know it is for the best. It was a hard Friday night but I think what happened needed to happen. Ir really sucked and I really did get hurt but I think for the common sense to hit me, I had to hit really hard. In the mean time, after I hit hard, all of my close friends found out within a period of an hour. Although at the time none of them knew the true story of what was happening...the secret was gone. I was shocked with how quickly the news traveled by way of technology. From call to text, people had found out what was going on. I was scared, what would my friends say or think, I had kept something this big from them. Although my friends say they aren't mad at me, I know that they are hurt that I didn't confide in any of them, and for that I am sorry. I have no true explanation as to why I did that and I am not wanting to come up with any excuses for it.

This should have been posted a long time ago, but school got in the way, and I want those to know that I still regret my decision of keeping it all a secret, but that there is nothing I can do about it now and I love you who have supported me through it all.

Last Semester in Moscow

So, I am student here at the lovely University of Idaho, but it is scary to say that it is my last semester here. In a few days I will hopefully find out where I will be placed for student teaching. I can't believe that I am already here, it just seems like I was just a freshman and I had so much time to enjoy the college experience. I have enjoyed college immensely and have met some amazing friends, who I hope to keep for years to come. I have grown close to them and feel that I can tell them anything... But now I have this situation where I am stuck, I am not going to get into specifics, but it is about boys. Right of course it is, I am a college girl and I am leaving here shortly. For years I have dreamed that I will find the love of my life in college and I would live happily ever after, but it is not like that, at least not for me. I have had boyfriends here and there, but none were ever serious, and it is a disappointment to my dreams and my time is up. But now, I have two guys who claim they are interested in me. One I have a strong and confusing past with, and the other lives no where near me but is not like any other guy I have met. I feel so lost and confused and I am starting to stress out, because I feel that I need to have everything figured out before I leave. Which I know is ridiculous when I think about it, but when I don't I freak out and it has become very apparent to me. Right now I think what I really need to do is focus on me..."what will make you happy?" They both ask me, but honestly I have no idea what that is...so hopefully through here I can express how I feel and what I think on issues that are popping up in my mind and stressing me out, as I take this next big step towards my career and my future.